Friday, May 5th Fitness Funnies

by Heather Long | More from this Blogger

05 May 2006 01:59 PM

I really enjoying going out on a treasure hunt of fitness funnies on the net. Some of these gems show up in my mailbox, some I find on websites and others I read out of books. Either way, I'm hoping you get to tickle your funny bone, flex your face with laughter and relieve some stress and anxiety.

So kick back, have a laugh and have a great Friday!

From FreedomFly.net:

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

From Diet Baloney:

• If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
• If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out.
• When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount.
• Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for energy, brandy, Sara Lee Cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Daz Ice Cream.
• Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one's personal fuel. This includes Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears.
• Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage.
• If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count.
• If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off
• Food eaten at Christmas parties has no calories, courtesy of Santa.
• STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.

Good Quotes:

Oh! that this too solid flesh would melt... -- William Shakespeare Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening. -- Alexander Woollcott

Learn more about Heather Long

Heather Long is 35 years old and currently lives in Wylie, Texas. She has been a freelance writer for six years. Her husband and she met while working together at America Online over ten years ago.

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